Sedona.......but who am I....?

June 16, 2010

We left Las Vegas in the early morning hours after saying a tearful good-bye to Mom and her dog Sasha. The drive over Hoover Dam and into Arizona was a breeze. Just before getting into Kingman I heard a slight noise coming from the rear wheel. Since we were just rolling into town I thought it best to stop and have it cheched out. Low and behold right there, shortly after the exit, was a Brake Repair shop. Turns out, both rear brake drums needed to be replaced. I knew, I should have gotten Bluebird in Vegas into a shop to have the brakes checked, but ignored once more my intuition, because I wanted to spend all the time available with Mom. Thank God again, this happened right in a town, where things could get taken care of. As it was, we had to stay there for the night, waiting for the parts to arrive the next morning. Needless to say, sufficient time to once more ponder my situation and how I had gotten myself there. It occured to me, how hard it is to really follow only intuition and not get engaged into the mind game. I have been more than lucky, always being in reach of help, when I needed it, but I also realize, to really flow with the Devine, takes a lot more fine tuning my awareness. I feel like riding a bicycle on training wheels. Like learning a new skill on a whole new different level.
When I rolled into Sedona yesterday afternoon, my spirit and heart took a leap. All of a sudden I could breath deep and free. I had the same experience in Utah, where I had come by a landscape dotted with cliffs and red rocks. Since I had left Montana there have been bouts of dealing with anxiety. Not in a major way, but enough to notice. Breathing deeply, like I had learned during my divemaster training in Mexico last winter, had gotten me through those days. I have never had anieties in my life and really wonder about myself. Some days, I don't even recognize myself. The feelings are so pronounced, whether they are positive or negative. Yet there is never any doubt in my mind to be on this journey. That is really the only thing I am sure about. Everything else feels like drifting down a river, not knowing what will be around the next bend. Well, I guess, that is what life is anyway. For me that means being absolutely vulnerable, but learning to accept that and being okay with it.